I’ve never been a quantity person. I applied to 4 universities and got into 4. My dating history has been few and far between. And yet, I’m seeing clear structural advantages in dating a high quantity of people – even for a person like me who prefers the quality approach. There’s good, strategic reason to this!
Last night Sandy and I had some great girl talk. I found myself telling her that I actually enjoy being in full-on dating mode. Words I never thought I would utter! It’s funny when you start to learn what a good date feels like; I never realized you could reach a point of enjoyment of this process. For one, it’s so rife with uncertainty, and it can be nerve-wracking if you focus on all the things that can go wrong: Will he like me? What should we talk about? What does he want from it? Will he try to kiss me? But I found myself advocating for the quantity approach. For example, if I’m running away from some issues I had in the past or I want to take it slow, committing myself to exploration and meeting loads of people sets a good framework for working through those issues slowly in parallel.
I’m finding that I can relax, I can be myself, I can guide the conversation to what’s important to me. I can be vulnerable right away–because if I’m rejected, no problem, I’ve got 3 more lined up! This mentality shift has been huge for me, and already I feel its results. I feel like a high-quality, sought-after female who deserves an inspiring and accomplished partner. This is an area where Dora and I differ in our histories; I’ve never experienced this before!
Without commoditizing the idea of a human relationship, the logic behind this feels exactly the same as the rationale for interviewing at multiple places when searching for a job. Just like a good negotiation or job-hunt, the more opportunities you make for yourself, the more comfortable you feel approaching any one of them. This means less pressure on a given date.
In negotiation terms, I am improving my BATNA (Best Alternative To Negotiated Agreement). Upping your BATNA is shown to give you better outcomes: greater leverage, greater confidence, a shift in the power dynamic, greater perceived value, not to mention greater practice and fine tuning of your dating persona and what you’re looking for. The idea is also well aligned with abundance-oriented thinking and the law of attraction.
I used to be a non-believer in dating by quantity, but now I’m finding that fully embracing a dating persona is setting myself up for success. My attitudes about myself are improved. Like an entrepreneur, I’m finding a way to make the uncertainty comfortable. I’m finding that dating can be fun even, if I just say so. And, all of this should greatly improves my chances of finding what I want! Let’s hope this theory plays out in practice in the coming dates….