(Recall: Xavier saga part 2) When is enough enough? Do you painstakingly teach common-sense behaviors to a well-intentioned tutee in order to grow a good partner? What does it mean to “deserve ‘better’ “?

As we left it, Xavier had shown quite a bit of promise. (He was sort of the “fan favorite”.) Parts of him resonated deeply with me – intellect, philosophical curiosity, good-natured nerdiness, and an undeniable spark. He’s exceedingly polite and patient.

Yet there were lingering warning signs. At our last date, he snapped at our waiter, twice, about very minor things. When I brought this up, he accused me of not knowing better since I’ve never been a waitress (in fact I had). He carried on about his point of view rather than having an open discussion. I couldn’t get him to think about the waiter’s point of view. Xavier’s lens by default seemed stubbornly “me” focused (big red flag).

I also noticed he liked to take over a conversation, and I became merely an observer to his inner curiosity. I had tried to open the date with topics – about my life, about his ambitions, many things. Nothing I presented took. Until something random tickled his brain, and suddenly he was hyper interested. He dominated the conversations, interrupting me or talking on top of me a lot, but accusing me of the same whenever I objected.

To his credit, he was also a master of de-escalation. With apparent ease, he made things merry again. I almost forgot why I was upset. But other minor issues started to creep up with him. Pretty soon, so many thorns of unreliability were exposed, and I grew wary of taking a deeper whiff of the thorny rose, pretty though it was.

Close friends helped me to paint red flags. The framing that stuck best was, “You don’t want to have to raise 3 children — your 2 kids plus your adult husband!”

Still, I was excited by our spark and wanted to give him another chance. We agreed to meet on again on a Tuesday. On Monday, amidst texting logistics, he stopped texting. And then, no reply. Nothing. Not for five days. On Saturday, he offered many eloquent excuses for ghosting me. But I was done. He was unreliable, I couldn’t fix it, and I should simply let go. And that was ok. I texted him as much.

He responded even more verbosely apologetically. He included paragraphs upon paragraphs about how much I meant to him. His rationale for his behavior was thorough, and convincing.

Honestly, this really challenged me, and I reconsidered. I was tempted to chase the sparks I loved about him, and ignore the warning signs, but that was a sure way to fall into a bad relationship. I realized the task ahead of me was to become very clear on what I wanted, and articulate it. I had never really told him how he makes me feel. I felt compelled to be open and vulnerable. I wanted him to know, but also to understand why his actions were incongruent to what I needed, and also give him the chance to rise to the occasion.

I had no idea how he would react. I stuck to my guns. This was scary.

Here is what I wrote:

“So I’m happy to chat sometime about why I wrote the above, if it’s important to you and you follow up about this with me (see (1) below).

On my end, I’m getting really serious about settling down soon, and finding who I want to do that with. This includes addressing possibilities with people who have long been in the “maybe bucket” such as yourself. And to be frank, i wasn’t good at dating until recently.

Now I know more what I’m looking for. For instance: (1) dependability & reliability, (2) laughter / ease of chat, (3) extreme kindness / respect, (4) intellectual stimulation, (5) attraction & spark, (6) grounded ambition, (7) curiosity / worldliness. And some other stuff but these are major.

The points i laid out to you earlier relate to some of these points. The odd thing is I feel a really strong spark with you, and the intellectual stimulation is great. So I really wanted to see if something could work. But in a nutshell, it’s too hard to get and keep your attention. And some little things set you off which for me make partnership too tricky to navigate.

I don’t like the way I act sometimes (having to correct your behavior or call you on your points does not give me joy), or the way I feel treated as a result (pushed down and discouraged, rather than raised up and strengthened and enabled). And this is just real deal breaker territory. I’m not willing to meander slowly given I don’t see you changing much in this– it’s been a similar story for 7 years.

I hope none of this sounds harsh; just trying to be clear and fix any confusion. Happy to chat about it further. Door is not closed but it’s less ajar than it used to be.

Hope the move went well, and sorry times have been rough recently. Eager to see what your next steps are.”

(I estimate I was roughly in Puglia at the time of sending that text. Pictured is Torre Sant’Andrea. Best fish-viewing is to swim under the arch!)

That was it. I was done, polite, open, but done. I was hopeful he could change in the ways I needed him to, but had no expectation of it happening.

His response?

Charming and convincing. Naturally.

(to be continued…)

(Read: Xavier saga finale)