(Recall: Xavier saga part 3) I was back in Berlin. Ready to jump back on the dating wagon. There were two guys from pre-Italy-trip days worth a follow up: Xavier and Perfect-on-Paper Guy. As we left it, I had tried to break up with Xavier in Puglia. But my texts had caused him to open up. Out of nowhere, he was revealing possibilities he saw with me. And he took my criticism in stride. I was impressed. He was definitely worthy of a second chance — to see whether these ‘red flags’ could in fact be managed!

So, we set up a meet in a park. Perhaps unfortuitously, at the same time a troubled mutual friend started complaining about Xavier’s faults. As a result, I entered this date from a less-than-open stance. It’s been hard to see this sequence of events objectively, but here goes.

I arrive, a bit late. I text Xavier that perhaps we three meet together and clear the air. He texts back an aggressive NO. He eventually spots me in the park; I’m on the phone. He is fuming. He accusatorily guesses I’m on the phone with our mutual friend. This amounts to a betrayal to him. He is angry, aggressive, accusatory. In one of my proudest moments, I don’t lose my cool, I don’t get suckered into the fight. I say calmly, “I do not deserve this treatment from you.”

He pauses, agrees.

A glimmer of hope!

But then, he complains on and on and on. This is his MO: no admission of agency, just his list of rationalizations, which I must fully hear out because POOR HIM. This is the first hour of our date; the first time we’ve reconnected since I was gone for 5 weeks and I turned 40 was spent listening to him go on and on about the mutual friend and how nothing is his fault.

Eventually we get past this, and move on to more fun topics. We enjoy being open with each other. We sit on some grass surrounded by trees for about an hour. He walks me home. Something is broken though, and I don’t feel I can trust him. When I needed him to be adult and open about a conflict, he would refuse to listen and grow, and just talked his way out of it in his usual way. When I called him on it, he couldn’t bend. I needed more time to think. I can’t be happy with someone who would create such unresolvable conflicts as a pattern!

I suggest he try to patch things up with our mutual friend before we pick things up. He agrees. In the coming weeks, he bungles that. He seems to think this was just a big favor to me, “a special list of things Valentina prefers,” completely missing that these suggestions are about being a decent human being.

I call him on it.

He gaslights me.

AND, astonishingly, I recognize this! I stand up for myself, and that’s it. It’s over. I become rude and tell him off.

I could have been nice. I could have given him chances. But on the other hand, I was simply sticking to values: respect, trust, open communication, willingness to bend. He couldn’t understand what I was asking of him. He instead labeled me as needy and picky. He gave half-efforts, and complained about me when he failed.

There’s the dog house for you, Xavier. 🙂