Dora was invited by Adam the very next day to dinner with some friends at a fancy “Munich-like” stylish restaurant. She was lukewarm on him, and we both knew we’d be exhausted from a crazy week, but it might be good for serendipity. Given our challenge, these were opportunities to say yes to.

(This was the moment I decided to let “25-year-old Valentina” make all social decisions for the duration of this challenge. 25-year-old Valentina wouldn’t say no to something fun and exciting, just because we’re tired!)

So we went, with no expectations. The vibe was great, and I felt invincible in my red dress. Adam and his four guy friends engaged in a great mix of professional and personal conversations with us. 

That is, until latecomer Yan (German) arrived. And sat next to me. I found him attractive and charming, and quick. We started chatting. I liked it at first. It went on. Dora and others took notice, and Dora gave me a thumbs-up, thinking I’d found a match. 

Almost two hours later, I managed to break conversation with Yan. I took Dora aside to the bathroom. She expected me to proclaim that I had fallen in love. 

Instead, to her utter surprise, I explained that she bore witness to one of my classic traps. Guy likes me, I’m a good listener, he talks about himself forever, I get bored but don’t know how to save the conversation. Hours later I extricate myself, and by then I am completely uninterested.

Everyone else at the table was speaking German, so I couldn’t easily interrupt another group’s convo and ease out. Dora and other guys at the table were commenting amongst themselves that Yan and I had entered a mini-bubble. I failed to signal that I was an involuntary participant in said mini-bubble, and needed a rescue.

Dora and I had talked about this very recently— that often times, it seems a guy enjoying a first date ends up taking up 80% of the talking space. (Yes, we added ”% talking time” to our metrics spreadsheet…) It can be a bit frustrating to be on the receiving end of this, especially if you’re thoughtful or creative or have a lot to say yourself. Though it’s definitely my intent not to be turned away by that point alone. 

But I had felt the other men at the table were curious about me, and we had good flow of back-and-forth discussion with some piqued moments of mutual curiosity. I never had any moment like that with Yan. So, I opted not to encourage his attention. After returning from the bathroom, Dora and I played musical chairs so we could talk to different sets of folks, and I was saved from any further awkwardness. I’ll try to keep an open mind about him, but through all that talk, my fundamental takeaway was our values don’t overlap enough for me to pursue things further.