Xavier and I have sort of dated before. In LA, Berlin, and London. Sort of.

One of my problems is never being quite clear upfront whether something is a date. I mean, I’m almost entirely sure it’s because I’m shy about being vulnerable (that thing I’m working on). And, because I’m afraid of getting stuck with someone I then decide I don’t like, and suddenly I’m “trapped.” (Yes, I’m aware these descriptive words indicate something of my residual attitudes towards dating. Working on that one too.)

So, Xavier is a cute, Oxford-educated, smart, eclectic British guy. He’s into music, startups, burning man, and intellectual discussion, often from the standpoint of being a contrarian (while oft accusing others they’re the ones being contrarian!). I met him in LA about 6 years ago while visiting my high school friend— we were both staying at the same friend’s house. At the end of our one (long) conversation in the kitchen, he kissed me. Ever since then, we get together for a chat and drink whenever we happen to be in the same city. We’ve never had a conversation about “our status,” but I believe I am clever enough to recognize some mutual interest. I tend to send alternating signals to him, in terms of my interest and intent, mainly because I don’t know what I want.

Challenge firmly in hand, I asked Xavier out within 24 hours of my arrival in Berlin. I had decided to be more clear and consistent with my intent and interest to him. (Yay growth.) I suggested dinner or drinks for Sunday, and he countered that I could join him with his friends by a lake, a typical Sunday evening for him. So I bravely said ok. Proactivity and decisiveness felt so, so great.

I arrived. There were over a dozen folks hanging on the grass. I chatted extensively with a couple of them, and stayed 4 hours till we kicked ourselves out around midnight. Just 4 of us remained by then. Xavier gave me some signals of continued interest, like resting his arm on my leg, or suggesting we continue deeper discussions later offline. He didn’t kiss me goodnight this time (there were people around), nor am I positive that he’s still available (though, I did coincidentally find him on the Hinge dating app the day after I arrived to Berlin!). 

I don’t really know why I hesitate with Xavier. We do argue and disagree quite a bit (politely, on intellectual matters), such that I feel “unseen” sometimes. But that’s really my only objection. We’re both a bit scattered and unfocused, and socially a bit awkward. None of these are deal-breakers, I recognize as I’m typing this out. So, I will keep this door open…

(Read: Xavier saga part 2)