(Read first date: #7) This was Tom again, the financial inclusion CEO guy. The one I was super nervous about seeing the first time. The one who totally impressed me for 3.5 hours with his stories of travel and working in developing countries.

It’s now been just over a week since the first date. No texts from him in that time, other than very quick logistics planning. Hm. With so much time lapsed, I was feeling distant from him. What was the value in seeing him again, again?

Oh, right. I had found a lot of his stories interesting. And I knew my history of prematurely writing people off. So it went that I almost canceled our lunch date today, but didn’t. Dora was supportive of my decision :). My goal for this date: to be brave and clear with him about what I want (e.g. more airtime talking)… as well as pick his brain about the World Bank and some NGO ideas I have. Or, to come out with a firm decision about him.

Notably, my attitude today was MASSIVELY different (in a good way) than a week prior. I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t trying to impress. I wasn’t worrying what he was thinking of me, or if I was good enough. Instead, I was keenly observing, being open to bonding, and acting like a normal thriving human being sharing company with another. My attitude had shifted! My BATNA was higher. I was coming off an excellent first date the day before, and I was excited about another first date coming up tomorrow. He was going to have to perform.

He didn’t. All suspicions were confirmed. Somehow the start of our lunch discussion consisted of him complaining about his past ‘suffering’ when his multiple ex-wives’ feet would hurt from their painful shoes and prematurely end their nights dancing… But more importantly, in the course of a 1.5 hour lunch, I’m sure I asked him anywhere in the neighborhood of 30 to 60 questions. How many did he ask me? I’m pretty sure it was ABSOLUTE ZERO. Seriously. Not even a, “how about you?” after responding to one of mine. How does a conversation end up like with such a lop-sided question ratio? I fill the gaps with questions and comments. He just doesn’t, I guess? The deal-breaker is the lack of curiosity about my thoughts, feelings, history. Not only did he not ask questions, but about half of the time I spoke, he politely waited for me to finish and then completely ignored what I had said.

I don’t blame him; I truly think he is unaware. And I do give him credit for politeness. But without judgment, I will say the partnership dynamic does not seem sufficient from my end (though from his it may be). We did have quite a hoot sharing favorite TV shows. And when I finally steered it back to the NGO topic, I got to pick the brain of an expert for a good half hour. I shared some entrepreneurial ideas that Dora and I have and asked his opinion on tailoring them to Africa. Unlike our first date, and thanks in part to Dora’s affirming reminder to me this morning, I had zero apprehension about not being “good enough” for him in my aspirations, and I think in the end I impressed him more.

So, big success, glad I went on the second date just to explore and learn. Honestly, he’s a kind and driven person who could be nice as a professional or personal network addition to my life. Just not my kind of partner.