If the single most important choice in our lives is our choice of a life partner...
... why don’t we give the process of getting there the same importance and structure we give to other parts of our lives?
Our Mission
Learn from our approaches and successes in education, career, workouts, etc. Maybe it’s time to not rely on luck alone. Are there things we can do, or stop doing, to increase the odds at finding a long-term partner? Going out even when we are tired, or taking a chance and starting a conversation with a stranger even if we are shy. Keeping metrics and journal records so we can observe our pitfalls, notice trends, and learn from them.
Go on dates not only to get to know other people, but to get to know ourselves better. Keep a mindset of fun and fulfillment. And share our thoughts throughout this journey, so that others might grow with us.
Valentina
INDEPENDENT ADVISOR, ECONOMIST, ENGINEER, MUSICIAN
“I’m shocked that you’re single! Why are you still single?”
I’ve spent years avoiding this question. What intrinsic characteristics, past choices, or circumstances can lead someone to be 39, want a family, but not have one? The answer: All the typical reasons.
I’m smart and I’ve always been picky. I focused on career. I moved around a lot. I prioritized living a life of adventure. I often didn’t follow the herd, so my datable peer groups were often out of synch. Sometimes I didn’t give guys a chance. And I missed signals and opportunities.
And critically, for the longest time, I was “bad” at vulnerability. Facing fears isn’t new to me; I’ve sky-dived, quit a job without another lined up, moved impromptu to South America, traveled to places like North Korea. But I’ve kept fairly private the fact that I have intense fears associated with dating and commitment. Over time, I conditioned myself to hide rather than expose my feelings. My comfort zone was avoidance. Desires were shameful and undeserved.
It’s become clear that my actions have not aligned with my priorities. For at least 7 years, I’ve said that finding a long-term relationship and starting a family is my highest priority. But it’s easy to see it isn’t the case. I put so much strategic thought and effort into career: mentor talks, networking events, strategic goals. If I meet someone with both romantic and networking potential, I lean into the networking comfort zone. (Bad at dating, great at networking!) I always assumed things would “just work out,” but in reality I missed opportunities.
Covid time helped me reflect on what I really want — building true connection. I have finally realized I am worthy of it too. For the first time in my life, I am explicitly prioritizing relationships above all else. 30 dates in 30 days is my way to stop the excuses.
I know 30 in 30 is ambitious, perhaps unattainable. And it will be bumpy, as with any change or personal growth. Just like an F45 8-week Challenge, or that time I did the Wildflower half ironman unprepared, you can always quit, but guaranteed you’ll be glad you at least started.
30 in 30 is my purposeful identity shift, from an independent self-reliant person to “a dater,” plus an explicit kick in the butt to go after what I WANT rather than always holding back.
Dora
BUSINESS OWNER, ENTREPRENEUR, ADVISOR
“Finding ‘The One’!”
I always felt that finding “The One” was the one important part in life that couldn’t be achieved by mainly relying on intellect, hard work and dedication.
Looking back at my friend’s and my relationships, luck seemed to have played such an important role: flat-mate turning husband, friend’s colleague turning fiancé, car-sharing with a stranger who will eventually turn into your significant other, running into your big love at the gym or simply opening Tinder and swiping right at the right person at the right time.
Now, age 33 and newly divorced, I want to test this assumption. Partly based out of curiosity and partly based on the wish to settle down. I want to have a family. At the same time, I’m very well aware that my education (MBA from the top Business School in the world), career (10 years with the most prestigious Management Consulting Company) and overall high expectations of the role of a partner have effectively qualified out a large pool of men that will either not be interested in dating someone like me or that I am ruling out.
If the most important choice in life is the choice of a life partner, why don’t we give the process to get there the same importance and structure we give other parts of our lives? Is there something we could learn from our approach to education, career, workouts etc? Maybe it’s time to not rely on luck alone. Maybe there are things we can do (or stop doing) to increase the odds? Going out there, even when we are tired or taking a chance and starting a conversation with a stranger, even if we are shy.
And could going on dates help us to not only to get to know other people, but getting to know ourselves better? Getting divorced after only a few years of marriage made me question the choices I made a lot, of course. Am I looking for the wrong things in a man? Do I even know what I’m looking for? How do I pick up on potential red flags? Am I un-dateable?
I hope that the 30 Dates in 30 Days Challenge will reveal some thoughts and learnings about myself, about men (or at least my view on them), relationships and dating more broadly that can be helpful for other women out there. I know that to achieve the goal we will have to get out of our comfort zone. It won’t always be pleasant, but this is how you learn and grow.
Lastly, if reading this blog will brighten up someone’s day, we’ll have achieved our goal as well. Life’s tough enough and dating can be stressful. When we started the 30 Days Challenge I told Valentina that I can’t wait for the stories we’ll be able to tell a months from now. I am writing these lines at the very beginning of our challenge and couldn’t be more excited!