I’m feeling alive. And happy. And confused. And somehow disturbed. All at the same time.

On the one hand Harry. We have been seeing each other at least 3x a week over the past couple of months. See here for how that happened. He feels like a secure home and reminds me of my Dad. With the good and the bad. Extremely smart, the voice of reason, he’ll always be there for you, he’s the problem solver. With Corona, options of going out have been limited and we spent most time together cooking, eating and talking all evening sitting on the couch. We get along so well and don’t need any external stimuli to keep up entertained. We are enough. 

On the other hand there’s Evan (for a refresher, have a look at dates 9, 13, 14, 16). Evan and I had the most honest conversation a few weeks ago when we decided that we’re not meant for each other. No hard feelings. No reflection of the other person’s worth. There was simply not enough chemistry. With all my past relationships, this would have been the end of it. At least for several years, after which you potentially might become distant friends again. With Evan, things took a different direction. Out of the blue he texted me a few weeks back to see how I was doing. We started chatting and decided to go to an exhibition together. I had bought tickets under his name months ago and couldn’t transfer it to someone else. Given that we seemed to be ok around each other, I felt we could pull it off. The exhibition was great and we went for a really nice dinner after. As friends. Nothing romantic, just a wonderful evening.

Fast forward to yesterday. He invited me to an early birthday dinner and we went to one of the best restaurants I’ve been in Berlin. I loved everything about it. It felt like a NYC hotel, the food was incredible, and the entire energy laid back and welcoming. We talked for hours and had a great time. After dinner we went back to my new place just around the corner with a bottle of wine. It turned out to be one of the best nights I had in a long time. We drank, we talked, we danced, we laughed. And we were completely honest and kind. No BS. No hiding. No pretending. The real, raw us. When you take away the need to impress a potential partner, it allows the real you to come through. And being the real you is one of the most liberating experiences one can have. At some point I had to start to giggle and couldn’t stop. Life was just good. I have a new home that I absolutely love, I feel secure and stable in who I am and I was sitting there at 4am in the morning with this guy having the most honest conversations ever. I don’t know how we make it work. And I know it’s most likely not sustainable. But I’m grateful for the experience and for Evan. What turn our 30 Days Challenge has taken. From being a dating challenge to (hopefully!) having found one of my best friends.

Here’s the question though. Question because I have absolutely no answer. Can a partner make you feel like this, too? The real, raw you? With the bright sides and the dark sides. The hopes and fears. The secret dreams, even though they might not fit the picture of the “perfect you”. Would this be the sign of a perfect relationship? Or is it not attainable, as being with a (romantic) partner adds more layers and complexity than having a really good friend? As amazing as the night was yesterday, it scares me somewhat. I’ll see Harry later today. I’d love to be completely honest with him and tell him about these questions and try to get to know him on a deeper, more vulnerable level. On the other hand, things are so good between us that I don’t want to rock the ship. As stated at the beginning….I’m confused. But it feels like a great opportunity to explore, learn and grow. More to come!